hope. noun
- a feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen.
When struggling with anything in life, we need something to keep us going and for me and my personal struggle it is the weeks of hope that precede a period. I have noticed a pattern emerging in the times I feel compelled to sit down and spill my heart out over this blog and it has invariably been the times when I have my period, or have felt it coming on.
I have realised this and think it is important to note that I do not live in a ball of depression all month long; I don't spend my days or weeks rocking back and forth in the foetal position awaiting the day that the fetus is inside of me. That is not to say that when my period goes, so does the idea of having a baby, far from it. During these weeks I can live in the blissful hope that this will be the month.
As the pains fade and the bleeding subsides (sorry for the visuals, but we all know what we're here for!), I move past the heartache that I have suffered (trust me it is heartache every time) and I look forward. I look forward to dreaming that this might be my time, I look at my calendar and when my next period is due and think about where I'll be when I FINALLY get to take the test and find out that I am pregnant.
This month it will be a Thursday when I am due, the day is my friend's birthday and I imagine how wonderful it will be if I am getting my own present that day too. My husband and I can go into the weekend with our blissful secret and we will smile knowingly at everyone we see, internally bubbling over with joy at this news that only we know.
Of course that is a bit of a way off, so in the mean time I have a lot of work to do, although I am already past the ovulation stage of my cycle so the REAL work 😜 is already done. The work I am referring to is preparing my body. It is work that most women in my position will be familiar with. We read endless articles, we eat the foods they tell us to, we do the exercises they prescribe and we don't leave out our minds (after all a healthy mind = a healthy body, mind over matter and you can THINK yourself pregnant etc etc etc).
People who have never struggled to conceive are full of these words of wisdom 'It's a lot to do with sugar in the diet' or 'You have always thought you had an issue with fertility, maybe you just need to get past that in your head'. I have had both of these pieces of advice in the past fortnight alone. These people are also great sources of knowledge about particular clinics or doctors you must visit as they KNOW of at least one that will guarantee to get you pregnant. The women on my side of the fence know that if there is a diet they have tried it, if there is a breathing technique or a relaxation or meditation method that comes highly recommended, we have been there and done it. Moreover, we also know the statistics and that there is not a fertility treatment on the planet that can guarantee a successful pregnancy, if they could, people would flock from the world over.
Of course these titbits of advice come from a place of love and well meaning. Nevertheless, they do little to dissipate the feeling that struggles of infertility are somehow your own fault - a shortcoming of sorts - and this only feeds the feeling of inadequacy. The thing is that people - especially in this interactive information age - feel that they have the rights and the knowledge to comment on just about any topic.
Just today in a bargain hunting group on Facebook (a by product of one of my previous attempts at 'keeping busy') someone shared a story about a can of children's foam soap that exploded in a bath and severely injured the child. I know this is a bit of a tangent and isn't related to fertility, but stick with me here. The moral of the story is that a child is seriously injured and is still in hospital following a bath time incident with a seemingly innocuous product that is very clearly aimed at children. The comments under the post would make you sick if you put yourself in the shoes of the parent who is sitting at the bedside of a seriously ill child. Given the situation, I can only imagine the regrets and 'what ifs' that are going through the heads of those poor parents. 'What if I had never bought it? What if I put it on the floor, or in the cupboard, or stored it differently somehow? What if I just hadn't bathed him that night? What if...' The reality of the situation is that no parent who buys a seemingly fun bath time product for their child is ever imagining for a second that it could cause any type of harm, especially not life threatening, to their child. Nevertheless, people feel it is fine to - very publicly - take to their keyboards and blame the poor child's parents 'I read somewhere that it was left on a radiator and then put in the bath and that is why it exploded.' and 'I buy these sometimes for my little boy, purely as some entertainment for him whilst he's in the bath. I never let him hold it, I always hold it and squirt the foam all over him and he finds it hilarious. This product is totally safe.' and finally 'Pressurised container how stupid can u be states on every deodorant can or pressurised container not to exceed 50 degrees Celcius it's not the company's fault parents didn't follow safety instructions the parents should be responsible' (sic). Those are just a few genuine extracts out of hundreds of comments. In this day and age it is fair to assume that the parents of the little boy in question have access to some form of social media and may - at some point - come across some of these comments, but the writers do not think of the impact their words. They insinuate that somehow the situation and therefore the child's injuries are the parent's fault. I should state that the product in question has now been recalled and had been at the time these comments were written, yet these keyboard 'experts' still felt the need to give their wholly scientific *sarcasm* opinions. I wonder what they would say were they faced with the parents, or if they found themselves in the same situation?
Social media and the information age have given rise to this type of behaviour and made it socially acceptable for people to run each other down online. It has also made people a bit more free and easy with their own 'expertise' in real life situations. Such advice is usually along the lines of 'something I read online' or 'I heard somewhere' - give someone a smartphone and Dr Google and they can diagnose and cure almost any ailment - including infertility. Now don't get me wrong, I have had many a diagnosis myself from Dr Google, but I don't force these onto anyone else, or at least I try not to. Maybe my own personal problems have made me a bit more sensitive to the issue.
I fear I have gone way off course here, I started out full of hope - oops! Apologies, I think the things people are saying about that little boy's parent's got to me more than I had realised. I just can't help but think how I would feel if it were me. If or when I finally get to hold a child of my own in my arms, will I be perfect? Will I make mistakes? Will those mistakes have horrific consequences or will I be lucky and get away with them and only have to comfort my children through a few bumps and bruises? I don't know, but I hope that whatever life throws at me I have the support I need to get through it.
Back on track and back to hope and the 'preparations.' After the slating I have just given keyboard experts in life, I am loathe to admit that I will try most things that Dr Google prescribes - within reason. I don't just subscribe to the first piece of advice I find. I read and read and compare notes from various sites and experts and look at potential fertility issues and treatments for those and then I make informed decisions about what to try next.
You see the thing is for women like me you have to try EVERYTHING. If you don't then a doctor (not Google, a real living, breathing one) will tell you to go away and do this or that before you will even be considered for some of their precious treatment and expertise. Don't waste their time unless you have exhausted all avenues for a minimum of two years, otherwise your infertility isn't infertile enough to meet their standard.
Although frustrating, I find a sort of solace in the different avenues I try, they give me the hope I need to get through each stage of my journey, each time praying that this 'cure' will be the one. Obviously I haven't stumbled across 'the one' yet, but I am sure I will soon. In the mean time it is on-wards and upwards with sugar free, meditation, acupuncture, reflexology, enough pills to make you rattle and all of the rest of it.
Here's to the November 2nd results! x
#notpregnantjustfat
- a feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen.
When struggling with anything in life, we need something to keep us going and for me and my personal struggle it is the weeks of hope that precede a period. I have noticed a pattern emerging in the times I feel compelled to sit down and spill my heart out over this blog and it has invariably been the times when I have my period, or have felt it coming on.
I have realised this and think it is important to note that I do not live in a ball of depression all month long; I don't spend my days or weeks rocking back and forth in the foetal position awaiting the day that the fetus is inside of me. That is not to say that when my period goes, so does the idea of having a baby, far from it. During these weeks I can live in the blissful hope that this will be the month.
As the pains fade and the bleeding subsides (sorry for the visuals, but we all know what we're here for!), I move past the heartache that I have suffered (trust me it is heartache every time) and I look forward. I look forward to dreaming that this might be my time, I look at my calendar and when my next period is due and think about where I'll be when I FINALLY get to take the test and find out that I am pregnant.
This month it will be a Thursday when I am due, the day is my friend's birthday and I imagine how wonderful it will be if I am getting my own present that day too. My husband and I can go into the weekend with our blissful secret and we will smile knowingly at everyone we see, internally bubbling over with joy at this news that only we know.
Of course that is a bit of a way off, so in the mean time I have a lot of work to do, although I am already past the ovulation stage of my cycle so the REAL work 😜 is already done. The work I am referring to is preparing my body. It is work that most women in my position will be familiar with. We read endless articles, we eat the foods they tell us to, we do the exercises they prescribe and we don't leave out our minds (after all a healthy mind = a healthy body, mind over matter and you can THINK yourself pregnant etc etc etc).
People who have never struggled to conceive are full of these words of wisdom 'It's a lot to do with sugar in the diet' or 'You have always thought you had an issue with fertility, maybe you just need to get past that in your head'. I have had both of these pieces of advice in the past fortnight alone. These people are also great sources of knowledge about particular clinics or doctors you must visit as they KNOW of at least one that will guarantee to get you pregnant. The women on my side of the fence know that if there is a diet they have tried it, if there is a breathing technique or a relaxation or meditation method that comes highly recommended, we have been there and done it. Moreover, we also know the statistics and that there is not a fertility treatment on the planet that can guarantee a successful pregnancy, if they could, people would flock from the world over.
Of course these titbits of advice come from a place of love and well meaning. Nevertheless, they do little to dissipate the feeling that struggles of infertility are somehow your own fault - a shortcoming of sorts - and this only feeds the feeling of inadequacy. The thing is that people - especially in this interactive information age - feel that they have the rights and the knowledge to comment on just about any topic.
Just today in a bargain hunting group on Facebook (a by product of one of my previous attempts at 'keeping busy') someone shared a story about a can of children's foam soap that exploded in a bath and severely injured the child. I know this is a bit of a tangent and isn't related to fertility, but stick with me here. The moral of the story is that a child is seriously injured and is still in hospital following a bath time incident with a seemingly innocuous product that is very clearly aimed at children. The comments under the post would make you sick if you put yourself in the shoes of the parent who is sitting at the bedside of a seriously ill child. Given the situation, I can only imagine the regrets and 'what ifs' that are going through the heads of those poor parents. 'What if I had never bought it? What if I put it on the floor, or in the cupboard, or stored it differently somehow? What if I just hadn't bathed him that night? What if...' The reality of the situation is that no parent who buys a seemingly fun bath time product for their child is ever imagining for a second that it could cause any type of harm, especially not life threatening, to their child. Nevertheless, people feel it is fine to - very publicly - take to their keyboards and blame the poor child's parents 'I read somewhere that it was left on a radiator and then put in the bath and that is why it exploded.' and 'I buy these sometimes for my little boy, purely as some entertainment for him whilst he's in the bath. I never let him hold it, I always hold it and squirt the foam all over him and he finds it hilarious. This product is totally safe.' and finally 'Pressurised container how stupid can u be states on every deodorant can or pressurised container not to exceed 50 degrees Celcius it's not the company's fault parents didn't follow safety instructions the parents should be responsible' (sic). Those are just a few genuine extracts out of hundreds of comments. In this day and age it is fair to assume that the parents of the little boy in question have access to some form of social media and may - at some point - come across some of these comments, but the writers do not think of the impact their words. They insinuate that somehow the situation and therefore the child's injuries are the parent's fault. I should state that the product in question has now been recalled and had been at the time these comments were written, yet these keyboard 'experts' still felt the need to give their wholly scientific *sarcasm* opinions. I wonder what they would say were they faced with the parents, or if they found themselves in the same situation?
Social media and the information age have given rise to this type of behaviour and made it socially acceptable for people to run each other down online. It has also made people a bit more free and easy with their own 'expertise' in real life situations. Such advice is usually along the lines of 'something I read online' or 'I heard somewhere' - give someone a smartphone and Dr Google and they can diagnose and cure almost any ailment - including infertility. Now don't get me wrong, I have had many a diagnosis myself from Dr Google, but I don't force these onto anyone else, or at least I try not to. Maybe my own personal problems have made me a bit more sensitive to the issue.
Back on track and back to hope and the 'preparations.' After the slating I have just given keyboard experts in life, I am loathe to admit that I will try most things that Dr Google prescribes - within reason. I don't just subscribe to the first piece of advice I find. I read and read and compare notes from various sites and experts and look at potential fertility issues and treatments for those and then I make informed decisions about what to try next.
You see the thing is for women like me you have to try EVERYTHING. If you don't then a doctor (not Google, a real living, breathing one) will tell you to go away and do this or that before you will even be considered for some of their precious treatment and expertise. Don't waste their time unless you have exhausted all avenues for a minimum of two years, otherwise your infertility isn't infertile enough to meet their standard.
Although frustrating, I find a sort of solace in the different avenues I try, they give me the hope I need to get through each stage of my journey, each time praying that this 'cure' will be the one. Obviously I haven't stumbled across 'the one' yet, but I am sure I will soon. In the mean time it is on-wards and upwards with sugar free, meditation, acupuncture, reflexology, enough pills to make you rattle and all of the rest of it.
Here's to the November 2nd results! x
#notpregnantjustfat
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