Dear You

Tessa Broad's book 'Dear You - A Letter to My Unborn Children' is the eloquently written memoir of a very brave woman, who has pushed her own personal insecurities to the side to give a face - and more importantly a voice - to the anonymous masses of infertile men and women out there.

The book is a letter written to Tessa's 'imaginary' children (over the years, I don't doubt that the love Tessa has nurtured for these children is anything but imaginary), the ones who she never got to meet due to a cruel combination of nature and circumstance.

I have to admit that I only finished reading this book a few days ago, which is a long time since I first started reading it. That is absolutely not a reflection of the book's content, how it was written or anything else of the sort, quite the contrary in fact. Tessa has really poured her heart and soul into this memoir, which is why I describe her as brave - I believe that to be true of anyone who puts pen to paper to write about their own life and its struggles - and I felt every emotion with her. 

As someone who has been trying to conceive for quite some time and is at the start of the journey of medical treatment for infertility, I was struck by every single word throughout the book. Tessa perfectly describes the trials and tribulations of trying - and failing - to conceive, both naturally and with the help of medical intervention. It is this, that kept me from diving straight into the book, as I frequently had to take time out to process my own feelings, as so often Tessa's words felt like they could have been my own. For me it was a difficult book digest as it - quite obviously - doesn't have the fairy tale ending that anyone facing infertility is looking for. What is does offer is inspiration and hope to us all that we are the masters of our own destiny and even if things don't turn out the way we'd envisioned, that doesn't mean that we can't still be happy. 

Tessa is a fan of a well placed quote, so I feel it is pertinent to add a favourite of my own at this point.

"Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans." - John Lennon

Although it has been some time since Tessa's journey to become a mother unfortunately came to an end, it struck me how much of what she went through and felt is still very much relevant today. Our society has moved on in many ways, through women's rights movements and the legality of gay marriage to name but a few, yet the attitudes towards 'the childless' masses seem to be stuck in the stone age. Those who suffer from infertility are forced underground, afraid to speak openly about their struggles for fear of being misunderstood and even shamed. Fertility is still seen as as something 'less than' which is a struggle that that is evident throughout this book.

One thing that has improved with time - and technology - is the support that is available. Social media has made it much easier for people to reach out and seek advice and help from those in a similar situation to themselves. What is evident - as someone who is part of this online infertility community - is that most of us still remain anonymous, we use the internet as an emotional crutch to engage with others without the fear of judgement or shame or 'outing' our partners. I can't help but wonder how different things may have been for Tessa if she'd had this support at her disposal back then, would she have had quicker access to relevant fertility treatment advice or would she have felt better equipped to speak up at times when she felt sidelined in her own treatment? What's done is done and cannot be changed, and the eventual outcome may have been exactly the same, but maybe she wouldn't have spent so much time feeling alone on her journey. It was Tessa's words that gave me the courage to speak out more than just on this blog and to interact with other 'infertiles' so I hope that the knowledge that her writings have helped and inspired at least one person will bring her some 'feels' (I think that's how the cool kids say it!). 

Throughout this memoir, there is a lot of wonderful life advice given to the children who were very much wanted, but who never made it to this earthly plane. One piece of advice that stood out to me is "Kindness is for me, the most important quality of all." The reason this is so striking is not just because it is very important advice that most of us would do well to remember a little more, but also because of how valuable kindness could be throughout society in general when dealing with the issue of infertility. Anyone who is involuntarily childless will have their fair share of 'Why no babies yet?' or 'Are you a career woman?' (this is always meant as a passive aggressive judgement) or 'When will we be hearing the pitter patter of tiny feet?'. Most of these comments (career woman judgement aside) are well meaning, but whilst these few simple words may seem innocuous to the person uttering them, they can be felt with the power of a sledge hammer for someone who is struggling to conceive. There are of course those who choose not to have children and they should not be more or less harshly judged by baby boomers, but may also feel a pang of tension at these questions, feeling that they have to explain themselves, yet knowing that explanation will leave them judged all the same. I think that people would do well to remember that private lives are just that - private - and if someone hasn't volunteered a piece of information to you, chances are they probably don't want to. This shouldn't be felt as a personal slight, but respected as the person's own choice. Those with children have many things they want to do themselves in their own time, such as announcing a pregnancy, or announcing the birth (social media has caused a lot of problems here) and are affronted when the opportunity to make said announcements in their own way and time is taken away from them, so why don't they afford the same level of privacy to others?

Tessa faces these issues head on in 'Dear You' and I think that it is a book that would prove to be an invaluable read for all of the general public. It offers hope to us - the involuntary childless - and great insight for the fertile into what we face, as well as advice for us all to deal with infertility in an open and kind manner. 

I truly cannot recommend this book enough and highly applaud Tessa for all of the blood, sweat and tears that went into its writing.

To Lily and the boys, please know that you are loved and understand how wonderful you are; you didn't have to be here to change the world, you have left your mark.

x

'Dear You A Letter to My Unborn Children' by Tessa Broad is available at all good book shops and also online.