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Life is a Roller Coaster

🎜🎝Just Gotta Ride it!🎝🎝

 Full disclosure I was...and still very much am, a HAUOGE Boyzone fan (don't judge me!), so I can't hear them words without hearing the Ronan Keating - 'Life is a Rollercoaster' song merrily playing in my head.

 Anywho, moving swiftly on from my teenage crushes, the sentiment is there, life really is a rollercoaster and no one know that better than those of us on the infertility track.


 Just last week I realised how seriously down and stressed I have been for months, but only when I started to feel better, as I finally had some movement on my own journey. 

 As many of you will know, back in November I was finally referred for testing, as was my husband. He got his appointment soon after in January (gold stars all around for his swimmers FYI), and I thought that I would follow shortly after that as I was brought in for a pre-op assessment for a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, D&C and dye test also in January. Unfortunately every time I called for an update I was told it would be at least a few more months. I had mentally prepared myself for April/May as I had been told that was when I could expect to be brought in, so I got through the multiple negative pregnancy tests in that time by telling myself that I would soon have answers. As I knelt on my sofa in the closest thing to the fetal position as I could manage - tears streaming down my forehead from the searing, burning pains in my stomach - I reasoned with myself that it wouldn't be for much longer.

 During my last period when no amount of painkillers or fetal positioned rocking would take the edge off the pain, I called the hospital for an update to make myself feel better, or so I thought. As the woman at the end of the phone told me it would be at least August before I was seen I couldn't help but burst into tears, I sobbed down the phone, desperate and frustrated. I spoke to my husband and we decided to get a referral for a private clinic for the treatment, he was happy with the decision as he couldn't stand to see me in pain any longer and I was happy as I couldn't take either the mental torture or the physical agony anymore. 

 As we set the wheels in motion, we discussed our decision with a few of those close to us. Whilst they were supportive, there was a bit of a shocked reaction '3 grand, could you not just wait a few more months for free?' Written in black & white it seems so practical. So how do you explain to someone (without bursting into tears as per usual) that those are more months of not knowing, of worrying, of negative pregnancy tests (the cheap ones because you can no longer afford a £10 pee stick that delivers bad news), and gruelling physical pain? 'It's an investment in my mental health as much as anything' was the standard response I settled on. It seemed to placate everyone.

 Luckily in the meantime I've been sent an NHS appointment for the week after I was supposed to go for my private consultation, so someone somewhere has done something wonderful for me. Maybe it was the woman in appointments to who I sobbed down the phone to, or maybe my GP - who was very lovely and supportive - made a phone call, or maybe the hospital got another Doctor in to help with the backlog, or maybe it was just 'meant to be' whatever it was I am grateful.

 That letter dropping through my letterbox last week was like a winning lottery ticket, not just because it saved me £3k, but because it was a lifeline, something to move my journey forward. The result may or may not give me answers I want or need, but it will mean that I can move onto the next step, whatever that may be.

 The arrival of said letter also coincided with the arrival of sunshine after a long, long winter and one day as I was driving, sunglasses on, I realised I was smiling to myself, thinking about how beautiful everything looks in the sunshine. It was in that moment that it occurred to me how little I had been appreciating life itself in the preceding months. So now I am trying to hold onto this feeling of hope and joy, I have vowed to myself that I will remind myself of the things I do have in life, rather than focusing on what is missing. After all, as much as we try to control things, life will just happen to us no matter how hard we fight it, because life is a rollercoaster and we just gotta ride it 🎜🎝😉
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  1. Anonymous12 September 2024 at 22:21

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