Recently I have really thrown myself into the fertility fight, because I have decided that I have waited long enough. All the time I have been trying for a baby I have been very focused on the possibility of my own problems including a large ovarian cyst, PCOS (I was incorrectly diagnosed with this, but the fear that the real mistake was the doctor who told me I didn't have it still hangs over me, 'what if I am missing out on vital treatment?'), tilted uterus or something similar (nurses always struggle to find my cervix during smear tests) etc etc. What I haven't considered for more than a fleeting moment, is the possibility that the problem is not with me. It takes two people (or at least the ingredients from two people) to make a baby, so why is so much focus on the female?
If I were baking a cake (I wouldn't be, I'm a fucking terrible baker!) and it came out tasting like shit, or didn't rise or...I don't know what else can go wrong with cakes because I am a terrible baker, but the point is, I wouldn't automatically blame my oven, I would look at the ingredients - all of them.
With fertility, it seems like there is a huge focus on the woman, in society, in the medical profession and also possibly in our own psyche. When the notion of a problem that didn't come straight from my womb fully occurred to me, I sprung into action and immediately questioned Dr Google on remedies - herbal, dietary, tests, the whole kittenkaboodle! I was quite taken aback by the results I saw after typing in 'fertility supplements.' I scrolled and scrolled the whole way through the first page of results and continually read things like 'fertility supplements to help you get pregnant.' It struck me how much the wording was aimed towards the woman. I had to research and type in 'male' to actually get what I was looking for and still then many of the results were aimed at females. I don't profess to know all the official stats on the matter, but I can only imagine that the vast majority of people looking for fertility supplements will be part of a couple. For the record I am very well aware that single people and same sex couples also seek fertility treatment, however I assume that they will be getting all of their supplements etc from the medical professionals who are helping them.
During my struggle to conceive, I have read many many statistics on female fertility, but even now when I try to find the figures relating to male fertility I keep getting answers to other questions. It is as if I am being told to 'SShhhhhhhh don't talk about it.' I did eventually tap in the correct term and ever dependable Wikipedia (I know it isn't the most reliable of sources, but I have to work with what I've got here!) told me "Male infertility refers to a male's inability to cause pregnancy in a fertile female. In humans it accounts for 40–50% of infertility." So there is a chance (although it comes from a Wikipedia 'fact') that fertility is as it seems and is a 50/50(ish) deal? Why aren't we talking about that?
I completely understand about it being a taboo because men find it emasculating to not be able to sew their seed and reproduce, however it has the same level of impact on a woman's feeling of femininity. From our earliest days we are given baby dolls and prams - when we are but babes ourselves - to push around and nurture. All the while boys are building Lego blocks or playing cops and robbers, nothing there to focus their entire lives on breeding. If fertility brings us back to the knuckle-dragging ways of a caveman where it is a man's job to give his woman a baby, should it not also be his job to protect her? To my mind it would be more protective to not automatically lay the blame at her door, to simply assume 'she can't have children.'
I am lucky in my relationship that my husband will do whatever it takes for US to have a baby; he doesn't flinch when I mention that we need to look at other issues, or that he has to take this supplement or that...only when I try to make him eat asparagus because I read online it can help sperm, that is one battle I don't win. I can't imagine being in a relationship where I couldn't have brought up the subject of male fertility for the fear of challenging my partner's masculinity, yet thanks to society that is a very real situation for women across the globe.
The focus on women is not new and it is not unique to women in any one particular walk of life. If you look, for example, at famous 'Non-Mothers' Dolly Parton, Kim Cattrall, Cameron Diaz, Oprah Winfrey or Jennifer Aniston, no matter how accomplished each of them are in their respective careers - and accomplished they are - there is always a sideline of 'Why didn't you have children.' These hugely successful women have, time and time again, made the same excuses 'I never felt ready' or 'It just never happened for me' or 'Something in my life would have suffered and I didn't want it to be my children.' No matter what reason they give, or how often they give it, their answers are never satisfactory to the gossip hungry media. There are always rumours of 'She couldn't have children' or 'a source says she suffered miscarriages' and the undertone of that is always that she is inadequate in someway for not having produced children, or that no matter what she achieves, her life will never be complete. No one ever asks if their partner was firing on all cylinders.
With the case of Jennifer Aniston, she spent years suffering speculation about the workings of her womb whilst married to Brad Pitt and following their split, Eva Longoria famously wore a t-shirt that read 'I'll have your babies Brad' as rumours circulated that Jennifer 'didn't want children.' Of course it is well known that Brad went on to Father a huge brood with his next wife Angelina Jolie, so that cemented his masculinity and threw all 'blame' back towards Aniston for either not wanting, or not being able to have children. Until Angelina announced her first pregnancy with Pitt, I don't recall any speculation regarding his sperm count, yet his first wife constantly found her reproductive abilities under scrutiny.
So whether it is a couple's choice not to have children, or a cruel twist of fate, is it really ever fair to shine a spotlight on them and question them as some form of social oddity? Furthermore, do we need to take a look at ourselves and how we treat those couples, not only as a pair, but also as individuals? I think it is time to end the 'baby shaming' of non-mothers and either accept it as a social norm that - for whatever reason - some people have children whilst others do not, or at the very least, begin to look at couples as a whole rather than just whispering 'I don't think she could have children' under our breath and behind their backs.
#babyshaming #maleinfertility #lowspermcount #slowswimmers #pcos
If I were baking a cake (I wouldn't be, I'm a fucking terrible baker!) and it came out tasting like shit, or didn't rise or...I don't know what else can go wrong with cakes because I am a terrible baker, but the point is, I wouldn't automatically blame my oven, I would look at the ingredients - all of them.
With fertility, it seems like there is a huge focus on the woman, in society, in the medical profession and also possibly in our own psyche. When the notion of a problem that didn't come straight from my womb fully occurred to me, I sprung into action and immediately questioned Dr Google on remedies - herbal, dietary, tests, the whole kittenkaboodle! I was quite taken aback by the results I saw after typing in 'fertility supplements.' I scrolled and scrolled the whole way through the first page of results and continually read things like 'fertility supplements to help you get pregnant.' It struck me how much the wording was aimed towards the woman. I had to research and type in 'male' to actually get what I was looking for and still then many of the results were aimed at females. I don't profess to know all the official stats on the matter, but I can only imagine that the vast majority of people looking for fertility supplements will be part of a couple. For the record I am very well aware that single people and same sex couples also seek fertility treatment, however I assume that they will be getting all of their supplements etc from the medical professionals who are helping them.
During my struggle to conceive, I have read many many statistics on female fertility, but even now when I try to find the figures relating to male fertility I keep getting answers to other questions. It is as if I am being told to 'SShhhhhhhh don't talk about it.' I did eventually tap in the correct term and ever dependable Wikipedia (I know it isn't the most reliable of sources, but I have to work with what I've got here!) told me "Male infertility refers to a male's inability to cause pregnancy in a fertile female. In humans it accounts for 40–50% of infertility." So there is a chance (although it comes from a Wikipedia 'fact') that fertility is as it seems and is a 50/50(ish) deal? Why aren't we talking about that?
I completely understand about it being a taboo because men find it emasculating to not be able to sew their seed and reproduce, however it has the same level of impact on a woman's feeling of femininity. From our earliest days we are given baby dolls and prams - when we are but babes ourselves - to push around and nurture. All the while boys are building Lego blocks or playing cops and robbers, nothing there to focus their entire lives on breeding. If fertility brings us back to the knuckle-dragging ways of a caveman where it is a man's job to give his woman a baby, should it not also be his job to protect her? To my mind it would be more protective to not automatically lay the blame at her door, to simply assume 'she can't have children.'
I am lucky in my relationship that my husband will do whatever it takes for US to have a baby; he doesn't flinch when I mention that we need to look at other issues, or that he has to take this supplement or that...only when I try to make him eat asparagus because I read online it can help sperm, that is one battle I don't win. I can't imagine being in a relationship where I couldn't have brought up the subject of male fertility for the fear of challenging my partner's masculinity, yet thanks to society that is a very real situation for women across the globe.
The focus on women is not new and it is not unique to women in any one particular walk of life. If you look, for example, at famous 'Non-Mothers' Dolly Parton, Kim Cattrall, Cameron Diaz, Oprah Winfrey or Jennifer Aniston, no matter how accomplished each of them are in their respective careers - and accomplished they are - there is always a sideline of 'Why didn't you have children.' These hugely successful women have, time and time again, made the same excuses 'I never felt ready' or 'It just never happened for me' or 'Something in my life would have suffered and I didn't want it to be my children.' No matter what reason they give, or how often they give it, their answers are never satisfactory to the gossip hungry media. There are always rumours of 'She couldn't have children' or 'a source says she suffered miscarriages' and the undertone of that is always that she is inadequate in someway for not having produced children, or that no matter what she achieves, her life will never be complete. No one ever asks if their partner was firing on all cylinders.
With the case of Jennifer Aniston, she spent years suffering speculation about the workings of her womb whilst married to Brad Pitt and following their split, Eva Longoria famously wore a t-shirt that read 'I'll have your babies Brad' as rumours circulated that Jennifer 'didn't want children.' Of course it is well known that Brad went on to Father a huge brood with his next wife Angelina Jolie, so that cemented his masculinity and threw all 'blame' back towards Aniston for either not wanting, or not being able to have children. Until Angelina announced her first pregnancy with Pitt, I don't recall any speculation regarding his sperm count, yet his first wife constantly found her reproductive abilities under scrutiny.
So whether it is a couple's choice not to have children, or a cruel twist of fate, is it really ever fair to shine a spotlight on them and question them as some form of social oddity? Furthermore, do we need to take a look at ourselves and how we treat those couples, not only as a pair, but also as individuals? I think it is time to end the 'baby shaming' of non-mothers and either accept it as a social norm that - for whatever reason - some people have children whilst others do not, or at the very least, begin to look at couples as a whole rather than just whispering 'I don't think she could have children' under our breath and behind their backs.
#babyshaming #maleinfertility #lowspermcount #slowswimmers #pcos
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