#Slacker

So after my first few posts, I thought to myself 'I am really getting into the swing of this blogging jazz, I just need to set myself a schedule.' I didn't. I'm a born slacker. Apparently without a deadline set in stone, my brain believes a schedule to mean 'anytime but now.' I'm sure you've all been waiting with bated breath for my latest update, so here it is.

I have probably gone on a bit so far about fertility issues, but I've skated around the Fatty McFatterson issue that is staring me in the face every time I look in the mirror. I keep telling myself that Jeremy Kyle types with all sorts of substance abuse issues get pregnant all day long so 'a few pounds' couldn't possibly hurt me, but the reality is that it could be. So it's time to get real and get this fat girl off her fat ass and moving (which is probably what motivated me to sit back down and start writing again...funny that). 

Over the years I have found myself suffering through endless fad diets, from Weight Watchers to support my cousin when I was 16 which left me absolutely STARVING, to Atkins, the Military Diet, Slimming World and everything in between.

Here is a breakdown of what I actually achieved during those diets:

• Weight Watchers - I ate teeny tiny portions of ready meals as prescribed by my cousin. I lasted about two days  and ended up raiding the food cupboards with my 'stomach thinking my throat had been cut' and probably gaining weight.
• Atkins diets - again I undertook this when I was in my late teens, which looking back now was absolutely ridiculous as I really didn't need it! I lasted one carb free week and lost a staggering 1/2 stone, until one day, carb starved I made the critical error of entering the supermarket unfed. I can tell you there has never been a more carb heavy trolley in the history of time. I tore the place apart grabbing spuds, rice (which I normally hardly eat), pasta, cake (again, quite rare), bread, tortillas, baps (every variation of a food type was fair game), croissants and more and piled them into my trolley. I raced towards the checkout with my head held high and mentally told Atkins to go fuck himself, whoever he was. My carb fest saw me put on a full stone.
•  Slimming World - this bad boy has sucked me in a few times over the years under the premise 'Keep eating and lose weight' which is my dream, obviously. I have lost considerable weight through the programme but never manage to sustain it. The first time I fell off the wagon I told myself it was because the team leader was so morbidly obese that it couldn't possibly be a long term life solution (not the 14 take aways I'd had that week). I think a few people had the same feeling though as I've heard that particular leader's crown has slipped a little and she's had to start 'working the programme' again very publicly again herself. In fairness to her it seems to be working. The second time I succumbed to my fat destiny is probably very familiar to a lot of people; I knew I'd had a bad week (or three) of eating/not moving and was going to be a 'maintain' at best, so I thought 'Fuck you Linda' (or whatever the leader's name was) 'I'm not paying you a penny to tell me I'm still a fat cunt, I have scales in my bathroom that do that for free.' So I didn't go to group and stayed at home, pig-headed and contrary as you like and spent my 'group' money on a take-away as I silently congratulated myself on making a sterling decision.
• Military Diet - this was a last ditch attempt to not be a fat fuck waddling up the aisle at my wedding. It didn't work. My dress maker had a mini meltdown three days before the wedding as the dress didn't fit even though it had two days previously. I enjoyed a chorus of 'This has never happened before...17 years, in SEVENNN-TEEEEN YEARS' Alright Debbie, I get the picture, I bloat easily. Eventually I was shoe-horned into the dress and was told to let my back fat 'settle'. Settle it did, over the top of my dress. Anyway, in all honesty the military diet didn't work as well as advertised, 'Up to 10 Pounds' can also mean 0-1 pound. To be fair it wasn't the worst diet I've ever embarked on, but it isn't sustainable long term and short term only sheds water weight.

The only thing that has helped me to properly lose weight, feel good and keep it off was going to the gym 3 times a week. I did that a few years back, it was at a time when I had sworn off men and went all Bridget Jones (I'm a strong independent woman, but also a bit fat and ridiculous etc) so I decided to do something about it. I ended up really loving exercising (shock horror) and for the first time in my adult life I was a trim size 10, which I absolutely loved. Unfortunately for my waistline, about 6 months after my new fitness regime began I met my now husband and the 'steady weight' began to creep in ('going steady' is a term for being in a long term relationship and therefore 'steady weight' is weight that you put on when in a new relationship). 

With this in mind (and more lbs than ever on my waist) I have now embarked on a new regime that balances well with both my body and also my conscience. As I work from home, I get little time to myself (even if I am slacking, I slack at my desk, it eases my guilt...Catholics, go figure?!). With the merging of my work and home life I have decided to set aside a strict half hour a day to dedicate to 'get fit' with the assistance of a 'dance yourself thin' workout DVD à la Eric Prydz 'Call On Me' that has been gathering dust in my DVD cabinet for the best part of a decade. To be fair the first two days I found quite enjoyable, but I found out today why. I hadn't reached the 'high intensity' section of the DVD yet. Today in my living room (blinds closed obviously) I jumped, hopped, pumped and very nearly vomited amongst other things. The only thing that made me feel better was that I could see the models on the DVD were also sweating buckets at the end.

Right now I am aching already, so I can only imagine what tomorrow will bring, but I feel better for it. I didn't quite keep up with the professionals, but I did stick with it. So I am now praying that I can keep up the motivation to dance myself thin. If you could all say a prayer/light a candle/give good energy out into the universe - or whatever you do - on my behalf to keep me motivated, I would be eternally grateful. Failing that you'll find a link to a Crowd Funding page on here in a few blogs time to pay for my liposuction.

Much love x

#DanceYourselfThin #SteadyWeight #NotPregnantJustFat #CallOnMe #CatholicGuilt #LightACandle