This week someone I know suffered a miscarriage. It is horrible and unfortunately we are not that close, so I don't feel like I can be there for her in the way I would like to be.
If I could be there for her I would tell her that she doesn't have to be level headed like she is being, that just because she sensibly says 'It just wasn't meant to be this time' doesn't mean than she shouldn't feel the pain. I would also tell her that the fact that this is her first miscarriage after two beautiful, healthy babies doesn't make any difference, she is still ALLOWED to feel the hurt.
I wouldn't tell her that she will be fine if she just gives it a bit of time, or that it is very common, or that she wasn't that far gone (as if that makes a difference), or that she will be pregnant again in no time. I would tell her that I am there for her, however she feels and she can talk to me anytime she needs me, or if she wants space that is fine too.
I would tell her that she will remember this forever, because I know that she already loved that baby - it wasn't 'just a foetus' to her - and that she should celebrate the love of the life that she created for the rest of her life, however feels right for her. She doesn't have to 'forget about it' or 'move on'.
I wouldn't tell her that I know how she feels, because quite simply I don't. I have an idea, but I know that everyone's feelings are different and how we process those feelings is also unique.
I don't know how she feels because I have never known the joy of a positive pregnancy test, I have never complained of morning sickness (that wasn't a hangover) and I have never had an ultrasound that revealed anymore than an ovarian cyst or polyp. To society that means that I don't understand the loss of miscarriage and I know that I don't fully as the babies I have lost have never lived, their hearts have never beaten a single beat, they have never existed anywhere but in my heart. To society I would say that I still understand loss and it is profound.
Every month I hope to see that second line on a test...or to even get as far as needing a test. I pray that this will be my month and I dream of the beautiful baby that will live and grow inside of me, that I will nurture til my dying day. I plan how I will decorate the nursery, will I forego the beauty of a Moses basket for the safety of the Baby Boxes I have ready so much about? What will they look like, will it be a boy or a girl, doesn't matter because either way I will LOVE them with all of my heart, I already do.
Every month - so far - since I have started trying for a baby I have felt the desperation of loss with those first cramps, with every spot of blood and with every flush that washed away my dreams...again. It may not be a miscarriage, but trust me it is still a loss.
So to the woman who had the miscarriage, I know you're hurting and I know that I can't make it OK, but I just want you to know that there is no wrong way to feel and the people who are making them 'It's actually very common, I know a friend of a friend who had two in a row' comments actually mean well, they just don't know what to say. I know we're not close, but if you need me I am here, for whatever it is you need, even if it is nothing at all.
To all of those people who have felt loss of one form or another, you are not alone and whatever you feel - that's OK.
xxx
If I could be there for her I would tell her that she doesn't have to be level headed like she is being, that just because she sensibly says 'It just wasn't meant to be this time' doesn't mean than she shouldn't feel the pain. I would also tell her that the fact that this is her first miscarriage after two beautiful, healthy babies doesn't make any difference, she is still ALLOWED to feel the hurt.
I wouldn't tell her that she will be fine if she just gives it a bit of time, or that it is very common, or that she wasn't that far gone (as if that makes a difference), or that she will be pregnant again in no time. I would tell her that I am there for her, however she feels and she can talk to me anytime she needs me, or if she wants space that is fine too.
I would tell her that she will remember this forever, because I know that she already loved that baby - it wasn't 'just a foetus' to her - and that she should celebrate the love of the life that she created for the rest of her life, however feels right for her. She doesn't have to 'forget about it' or 'move on'.
I wouldn't tell her that I know how she feels, because quite simply I don't. I have an idea, but I know that everyone's feelings are different and how we process those feelings is also unique.
I don't know how she feels because I have never known the joy of a positive pregnancy test, I have never complained of morning sickness (that wasn't a hangover) and I have never had an ultrasound that revealed anymore than an ovarian cyst or polyp. To society that means that I don't understand the loss of miscarriage and I know that I don't fully as the babies I have lost have never lived, their hearts have never beaten a single beat, they have never existed anywhere but in my heart. To society I would say that I still understand loss and it is profound.
Every month I hope to see that second line on a test...or to even get as far as needing a test. I pray that this will be my month and I dream of the beautiful baby that will live and grow inside of me, that I will nurture til my dying day. I plan how I will decorate the nursery, will I forego the beauty of a Moses basket for the safety of the Baby Boxes I have ready so much about? What will they look like, will it be a boy or a girl, doesn't matter because either way I will LOVE them with all of my heart, I already do.
Every month - so far - since I have started trying for a baby I have felt the desperation of loss with those first cramps, with every spot of blood and with every flush that washed away my dreams...again. It may not be a miscarriage, but trust me it is still a loss.
So to the woman who had the miscarriage, I know you're hurting and I know that I can't make it OK, but I just want you to know that there is no wrong way to feel and the people who are making them 'It's actually very common, I know a friend of a friend who had two in a row' comments actually mean well, they just don't know what to say. I know we're not close, but if you need me I am here, for whatever it is you need, even if it is nothing at all.
To all of those people who have felt loss of one form or another, you are not alone and whatever you feel - that's OK.
xxx
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