Good afternoon everyone and HAPPY NEW YEAR! Sorry I know I'm a bit late on that, but as you will be aware I have been very quiet on here for a while.
My last update was just after our first appointment at the private fertility clinic and before my gynae appointment about suspected endometriosis.
I'll start at the fertility clinic. We drove the hour and a half up there and were seen very quickly after arriving (no NHS waiting lists here). The Doctor brought us into his very nice office and went through the results of both of our tests. Both were very positive and thus he informed us we were in the 'unexplained infertility' category. He went through A LOT of forms and told us to take them home and read them (back to time is money people). He also very quickly mentioned my risk of OHSS due to my results, although if I hadn't done my own research prior to the appointment, I fear this may have gone over my head and I definitely wouldn't be aware of what a real risk it is, 'We'll never get that risk to 0%' was about the height of what he told me as he skipped past it.
He told us that he was recommending IVF for us and that due to the time of year (run up to Christmas) we could start in the New Year. He explained the potential costs to us (priorities) and the time scales involved. We just had to wait for the end of the next day after he had consulted with the rest of the team at their weekly meeting and then our treatment plan would be found in our online portal (gotta love the personal touch!).
We drove home and discussed the £5k we would need for the procedure (a stretch but worth it) and I got excited as I could almost feel the baby already inside me. By the end of February we will be pregnant. That night my Husband and I went to bed and excited by everything we began researching prams and even double prams as we discussed the pros and cons of double pregnancies (one of the million forms explained that they don't recommend implanting more than one embryo, we wondered if we could side step that 'best practice'). I went to sleep and dreamed of babies and everything wonderful pregnancy entails.
The next day I woke up and I can't explain why, but something clicked in my head and I suddenly felt very differently about the private fertility treatment. I don't know if it was because I felt like the Doctor was rushing us down a certain path without enough investigation, or the added pressure of the money, or maybe the finality of having a hope is gone deadline of the end of February - by then we would either be expecting...or we wouldn't. It could have been the combination of those factors, but suddenly I felt like we were forcing something that didn't want to be forced. I thought that the added financial strain would be too much pressure on an already tense situation and that can't be a healthy way to try and conceive a baby, it's a bit of a catch 22 situation 'relax to conceive' they say, but unexplained infertility and assisted fertility treatment are fucking stressful. Every twinge, cramp, period, sex becomes routine, pregnancy announcements from anyone are fucking dreaded, so how do you relax with all that?!
That was a Thursday and I mulled over my feelings all day and night to make sure I wasn't just being hormonal. When I awoke the next day feeling the same, I decided to speak to my husband. I was nervous, not of his reaction, but my own. In a way I felt cowardly, do I deserve a baby if I won't do EVERYTHING to have one? We had decided to have a little Christmas tipple at home that night and before we had a drink I looked at him and said 'Before I get any drink in me, I need to say this, just so you know I'm not talking drunken shite' (I have been known for a bit of drunken shite talking in my time, but sure haven't we all?!). I explained what I had been thinking and how I had been feeling and he told me he thought I was right and shortly afterwards, he said he felt like a weight had been lifted off that he didn't even know he had been carrying. That night we relaxed and had a few drinks and for the first time in a LONG time I properly enjoyed them, I wasn't worrying that I might be pregnant, or that I could be doing harm, I just fucking drank. It was lovely.
With our newly found chi, or zen, or whatever you want to call it, I looked forward to Christmas, to spending time with family & friends. This blog was at the back of my mind, but I decided that I needed a bit of a break from all things fertility and also I felt like a bit of a fraud for my decision to put the brakes on for a while.
In the mean time I got an appointment letter for a consultant at my local hospital for my suspected endometriosis. I went along and arrived with plenty of time (the letter had told me to in case of difficulties parking) and I went inside to check in. I went to the machine, scanned my letter and it printed me out a ticket instructing me to wait on the orange chairs. It wasn't unlike the McDonald's self service check out system (there are other fast food restaurants available). I sat down where instructed and immediately realised that I was surrounded by maternity posters, and breastfeeding guides. Nice. I sat and watched the TV screen which showed the news and had appointment information along the bottom 'Dr X patient waiting time 26 minutes'. That time increased as I waited and finally over an hour after I arrived, my ticket number buzzed onto the screen.
I made my way to the appropriate room and was greeted by the consultant, a nurse and a student nurse. I would estimate that I spent about 7 minutes in total in that appointment. In that time I had a pelvic exam, had my height and weight (and BMI - ouch) taken, gave mine and my partner's history, was given two pamphlets and was given paperwork to get (more) bloods done that day and in a week's time. I came out of it knowing that I am having a laparoscopy and something else (I lost the pamphlet) that also involves a camera. It was all very rushed, but I actually feel like more care is being taken to diagnose problems, rather than blindly trying to treat the unknown. I may be wrong and after it all I may be no further forward, but time will tell. The thing I still have for the moment is hope.
After my last blood test on 23rd December I settled in to enjoy Christmas. I felt like I could enjoy this one (last year I had wonderful notions that I was going to discover I was pregnant a month after we got married and that all my previous woes would fade into nothing 'A Christmas Miracle...God Bless Us Everyone' etc etc. I woke up at 4am bleeding.), I had no fantastical notions of the like this year. All was good and my little dog was dressed in her Mrs Claus outfit, I had a Baileys in hand and then came the first pregnancy announcement of the season. It was from a VERY good friend of mine who deserves nothing but happiness and yet as soon as I sent my congratulations, I ran off and cried. That reaction shames me, but it is real and it is valid and I have to try and forgive myself for it (very self-help bookey of me dontcha think?!).
Many pregnancy/engagement announcements followed as they do in the festive season and I became numb to them. I dusted myself off and got on with things, mainly with doing nothing much other than reading Sarah Millican's book 'How to be Champion' VERY highly recommended to anyone with eyes and a sense of humour. I absolutely love that woman. My husband and I also FINALLY got around to watching 'Peaky Fuckin' Blinders' that's the real title, although you won't find it listed as such on BBC iPlayer. It was A-MAZE, we knocked out four seasons in a matter of days, Cillian Murphy and Tom Hardy sharing a screen make it rather easy on the eye. Last night I actually had withdrawal dreams and Cillian and I became rather friendly 😍😍, my Catholic guilt kicked in the MOMENT I woke up and I confessed my sleepy adultery to my Husband. He looked at me and said 'Babes, if you can get Cillian Murphy, you get a hall pass' and that ladies and gentlemen is why I love him! Obvs it is just a fantasy, but a school girl crush is always fun, so in case you want to share with me...here is a little treat for you...By Order of the Peaky Fuckin Blinders
My last update was just after our first appointment at the private fertility clinic and before my gynae appointment about suspected endometriosis.
I'll start at the fertility clinic. We drove the hour and a half up there and were seen very quickly after arriving (no NHS waiting lists here). The Doctor brought us into his very nice office and went through the results of both of our tests. Both were very positive and thus he informed us we were in the 'unexplained infertility' category. He went through A LOT of forms and told us to take them home and read them (back to time is money people). He also very quickly mentioned my risk of OHSS due to my results, although if I hadn't done my own research prior to the appointment, I fear this may have gone over my head and I definitely wouldn't be aware of what a real risk it is, 'We'll never get that risk to 0%' was about the height of what he told me as he skipped past it.
He told us that he was recommending IVF for us and that due to the time of year (run up to Christmas) we could start in the New Year. He explained the potential costs to us (priorities) and the time scales involved. We just had to wait for the end of the next day after he had consulted with the rest of the team at their weekly meeting and then our treatment plan would be found in our online portal (gotta love the personal touch!).
We drove home and discussed the £5k we would need for the procedure (a stretch but worth it) and I got excited as I could almost feel the baby already inside me. By the end of February we will be pregnant. That night my Husband and I went to bed and excited by everything we began researching prams and even double prams as we discussed the pros and cons of double pregnancies (one of the million forms explained that they don't recommend implanting more than one embryo, we wondered if we could side step that 'best practice'). I went to sleep and dreamed of babies and everything wonderful pregnancy entails.
The next day I woke up and I can't explain why, but something clicked in my head and I suddenly felt very differently about the private fertility treatment. I don't know if it was because I felt like the Doctor was rushing us down a certain path without enough investigation, or the added pressure of the money, or maybe the finality of having a hope is gone deadline of the end of February - by then we would either be expecting...or we wouldn't. It could have been the combination of those factors, but suddenly I felt like we were forcing something that didn't want to be forced. I thought that the added financial strain would be too much pressure on an already tense situation and that can't be a healthy way to try and conceive a baby, it's a bit of a catch 22 situation 'relax to conceive' they say, but unexplained infertility and assisted fertility treatment are fucking stressful. Every twinge, cramp, period, sex becomes routine, pregnancy announcements from anyone are fucking dreaded, so how do you relax with all that?!
That was a Thursday and I mulled over my feelings all day and night to make sure I wasn't just being hormonal. When I awoke the next day feeling the same, I decided to speak to my husband. I was nervous, not of his reaction, but my own. In a way I felt cowardly, do I deserve a baby if I won't do EVERYTHING to have one? We had decided to have a little Christmas tipple at home that night and before we had a drink I looked at him and said 'Before I get any drink in me, I need to say this, just so you know I'm not talking drunken shite' (I have been known for a bit of drunken shite talking in my time, but sure haven't we all?!). I explained what I had been thinking and how I had been feeling and he told me he thought I was right and shortly afterwards, he said he felt like a weight had been lifted off that he didn't even know he had been carrying. That night we relaxed and had a few drinks and for the first time in a LONG time I properly enjoyed them, I wasn't worrying that I might be pregnant, or that I could be doing harm, I just fucking drank. It was lovely.
With our newly found chi, or zen, or whatever you want to call it, I looked forward to Christmas, to spending time with family & friends. This blog was at the back of my mind, but I decided that I needed a bit of a break from all things fertility and also I felt like a bit of a fraud for my decision to put the brakes on for a while.
In the mean time I got an appointment letter for a consultant at my local hospital for my suspected endometriosis. I went along and arrived with plenty of time (the letter had told me to in case of difficulties parking) and I went inside to check in. I went to the machine, scanned my letter and it printed me out a ticket instructing me to wait on the orange chairs. It wasn't unlike the McDonald's self service check out system (there are other fast food restaurants available). I sat down where instructed and immediately realised that I was surrounded by maternity posters, and breastfeeding guides. Nice. I sat and watched the TV screen which showed the news and had appointment information along the bottom 'Dr X patient waiting time 26 minutes'. That time increased as I waited and finally over an hour after I arrived, my ticket number buzzed onto the screen.
I made my way to the appropriate room and was greeted by the consultant, a nurse and a student nurse. I would estimate that I spent about 7 minutes in total in that appointment. In that time I had a pelvic exam, had my height and weight (and BMI - ouch) taken, gave mine and my partner's history, was given two pamphlets and was given paperwork to get (more) bloods done that day and in a week's time. I came out of it knowing that I am having a laparoscopy and something else (I lost the pamphlet) that also involves a camera. It was all very rushed, but I actually feel like more care is being taken to diagnose problems, rather than blindly trying to treat the unknown. I may be wrong and after it all I may be no further forward, but time will tell. The thing I still have for the moment is hope.
After my last blood test on 23rd December I settled in to enjoy Christmas. I felt like I could enjoy this one (last year I had wonderful notions that I was going to discover I was pregnant a month after we got married and that all my previous woes would fade into nothing 'A Christmas Miracle...God Bless Us Everyone' etc etc. I woke up at 4am bleeding.), I had no fantastical notions of the like this year. All was good and my little dog was dressed in her Mrs Claus outfit, I had a Baileys in hand and then came the first pregnancy announcement of the season. It was from a VERY good friend of mine who deserves nothing but happiness and yet as soon as I sent my congratulations, I ran off and cried. That reaction shames me, but it is real and it is valid and I have to try and forgive myself for it (very self-help bookey of me dontcha think?!).
Many pregnancy/engagement announcements followed as they do in the festive season and I became numb to them. I dusted myself off and got on with things, mainly with doing nothing much other than reading Sarah Millican's book 'How to be Champion' VERY highly recommended to anyone with eyes and a sense of humour. I absolutely love that woman. My husband and I also FINALLY got around to watching 'Peaky Fuckin' Blinders' that's the real title, although you won't find it listed as such on BBC iPlayer. It was A-MAZE, we knocked out four seasons in a matter of days, Cillian Murphy and Tom Hardy sharing a screen make it rather easy on the eye. Last night I actually had withdrawal dreams and Cillian and I became rather friendly 😍😍, my Catholic guilt kicked in the MOMENT I woke up and I confessed my sleepy adultery to my Husband. He looked at me and said 'Babes, if you can get Cillian Murphy, you get a hall pass' and that ladies and gentlemen is why I love him! Obvs it is just a fantasy, but a school girl crush is always fun, so in case you want to share with me...here is a little treat for you...By Order of the Peaky Fuckin Blinders
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