So today I am still fat and still not pregnant for anyone who was wondering. Although my idea of myself as 'fat' has changed somewhat over the years. Today I have a BMI of 28.4 and am teetering on the edge of officially obese according to the NHS. To get back within my 'safe' weight bracket I have to lose 1.5 stone, to sit in the middle of said bracket I need to lose 3 stone. Despite this health warning, I am more comfortable in my own skin now than then.
In years gone by I was fit and healthy and never understood how people let themselves get so out of shape, to be honest I still don't, it has just kind of 'happened' (I blame hitting the dreaded 3-0 and the resulting decline in my metabolism). Despite my previous good fortune with my weight, I never saw it that way at the time and always believed I was fat, not obese or anything, but the word 'fat' has always clung to the back of my mind. Now I just wish I were as fat as the first time I thought I was fat. Hindsight is a great teacher.
I can't exactly remember the first time I thought I was fat, but I can still remember the first time I had an issue with my body highlighted to me. Nowadays it would be called 'fat shaming' or 'body shaming' but then it was just a flippant comment, spoken from the mouth of a child. I still remember it.
I was 8 or 9 years old and I was at the swimming pool with a friend of mine who was quite a bit shorter than me, which up until that point was the only difference I had ever noted between us. In the changing rooms, we got undressed and put our swimming costumes on, hurriedly rolled our clothes into a ball and threw them into a locker and began skipping out towards the swimming pool. Just by the door was a ceiling to floor mirror, which my friend stopped at to look herself before we continued. She looked at herself from varying angles and pulled at her costume as I stood and watched her, itching all the while to get to the swimming pool. I don't recall what - if any - thoughts crossed my mind as we stood in front of that mirror, until my friend spoke. "Do you know what I don't like about your body?" she said. I didn't recall asking, or being entered into any kind of survey, but I responded innocently, "No, what?". Her response shocked me, as I was so young I had never even considered not liking something about my body, it just was what it was. "The way it goes out there." she said as she motioned outward with her hands around my hip area. I hadn't ever noticed. I stood side by side with her and saw that her sides went straight up and down, whereas mine (as she pointed out) went out.
I don't remember anything more about that day at the pool - if we laughed, if we stayed long, if we got chips afterwards - but I do remember that feeling of being told that something was 'wrong' with my physical appearance. Over the years I have thought about that day on and off and I wonder if it had a profound impact on me. For as long as I can remember I have had an issue with my hips and I can't be certain if pop culture, TV and magazines gave me this hangup, or if it stems back to that day when a seed was planted in my head.
As I have said we were both 8 or 9 and I don't hold any ill-will toward the girl in question, she was as innocent as I and was simply making an observation. Looking back now, I can't help but wonder where her notions of body image came from, although she had two older sisters, so I imagine that some of the messaging came from them as they struggled with their own bodies going through changes. The sad thing is the thought that insecurities could so easily be passed from one person to another through just a few simple words.
Baz Luhrmann gave some fantastic advice in the song 'Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen' and I have always recalled the line "Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how." It strikes me that we are all built to be so self-critical, yet find it inherently difficult to remember the good in ourselves far outweighs the bad. Why are humans such a developed species in so many respects, yet something deep down inside of us has remained so negative throughout evolution?
So if anyone out there has worked out how to forget the insults, can they send their answers on a postcard please? Maybe Baz has the answer after all these years?
So the moral of the story is that today I actually am fat(ish) being 2-3 stone heavier than I was throughout the rest of my adult life and risking my health (a bit), but ironically I am happier than I was when I just thought I was fat. Would I like to have washboard stomach (and smaller hips) and look good in a bikini? Of course! I'm not going to lie about it, but the fact that I don't doesn't cause me any stress anymore. I know that my husband, family and friends love me, they have done no matter what my weight has been and they will continue to do so...as I do them. Maybe we should learn a lesson from my favourite Disney film that has had a recent revamp and realise that true beauty is on the inside.
On that note, it's the weekend so I'm off to (probably) make some bad decisions with food and move a lot less than I should. Over & out. #happyfriday #stillfat #stillnotpregnant #notpregnantjustfat #justfatnotpregnant #dontask
In years gone by I was fit and healthy and never understood how people let themselves get so out of shape, to be honest I still don't, it has just kind of 'happened' (I blame hitting the dreaded 3-0 and the resulting decline in my metabolism). Despite my previous good fortune with my weight, I never saw it that way at the time and always believed I was fat, not obese or anything, but the word 'fat' has always clung to the back of my mind. Now I just wish I were as fat as the first time I thought I was fat. Hindsight is a great teacher.
I can't exactly remember the first time I thought I was fat, but I can still remember the first time I had an issue with my body highlighted to me. Nowadays it would be called 'fat shaming' or 'body shaming' but then it was just a flippant comment, spoken from the mouth of a child. I still remember it.
I was 8 or 9 years old and I was at the swimming pool with a friend of mine who was quite a bit shorter than me, which up until that point was the only difference I had ever noted between us. In the changing rooms, we got undressed and put our swimming costumes on, hurriedly rolled our clothes into a ball and threw them into a locker and began skipping out towards the swimming pool. Just by the door was a ceiling to floor mirror, which my friend stopped at to look herself before we continued. She looked at herself from varying angles and pulled at her costume as I stood and watched her, itching all the while to get to the swimming pool. I don't recall what - if any - thoughts crossed my mind as we stood in front of that mirror, until my friend spoke. "Do you know what I don't like about your body?" she said. I didn't recall asking, or being entered into any kind of survey, but I responded innocently, "No, what?". Her response shocked me, as I was so young I had never even considered not liking something about my body, it just was what it was. "The way it goes out there." she said as she motioned outward with her hands around my hip area. I hadn't ever noticed. I stood side by side with her and saw that her sides went straight up and down, whereas mine (as she pointed out) went out.
I don't remember anything more about that day at the pool - if we laughed, if we stayed long, if we got chips afterwards - but I do remember that feeling of being told that something was 'wrong' with my physical appearance. Over the years I have thought about that day on and off and I wonder if it had a profound impact on me. For as long as I can remember I have had an issue with my hips and I can't be certain if pop culture, TV and magazines gave me this hangup, or if it stems back to that day when a seed was planted in my head.
As I have said we were both 8 or 9 and I don't hold any ill-will toward the girl in question, she was as innocent as I and was simply making an observation. Looking back now, I can't help but wonder where her notions of body image came from, although she had two older sisters, so I imagine that some of the messaging came from them as they struggled with their own bodies going through changes. The sad thing is the thought that insecurities could so easily be passed from one person to another through just a few simple words.
Baz Luhrmann gave some fantastic advice in the song 'Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen' and I have always recalled the line "Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how." It strikes me that we are all built to be so self-critical, yet find it inherently difficult to remember the good in ourselves far outweighs the bad. Why are humans such a developed species in so many respects, yet something deep down inside of us has remained so negative throughout evolution?
So if anyone out there has worked out how to forget the insults, can they send their answers on a postcard please? Maybe Baz has the answer after all these years?
So the moral of the story is that today I actually am fat(ish) being 2-3 stone heavier than I was throughout the rest of my adult life and risking my health (a bit), but ironically I am happier than I was when I just thought I was fat. Would I like to have washboard stomach (and smaller hips) and look good in a bikini? Of course! I'm not going to lie about it, but the fact that I don't doesn't cause me any stress anymore. I know that my husband, family and friends love me, they have done no matter what my weight has been and they will continue to do so...as I do them. Maybe we should learn a lesson from my favourite Disney film that has had a recent revamp and realise that true beauty is on the inside.
On that note, it's the weekend so I'm off to (probably) make some bad decisions with food and move a lot less than I should. Over & out. #happyfriday #stillfat #stillnotpregnant #notpregnantjustfat #justfatnotpregnant #dontask
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