Que Sera Sera

Que sera, sera

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours to see

Que sera, sera

- Doris Day

One of the hardest parts of trying (unsuccessfully) for a baby is the constant waiting, wondering, day-dreaming and second guessing. It can be extremely difficult to just 'get on' with life when baby making is always at the back of your mind.

Friends and family will offer wise words of advice during times like this 'It'll happen when the time is right' or 'What's for you won't pass you' and 'Que sera sera.' These people are all well meaning and the truth is that they just don't have any more answers than you do, so they dig deep for any and all clichés that they feel may be broadly appropriate for the situation.  To be fair, I often pull out many of these phrases when I am having a word with myself in a down moment. 

I always tell myself that it will happen when the time is right and I just have to be patient in the meantime. So far I have found a whole host of things to do to fill my time whilst waiting (other than working full time and *trying* to keep the house clean and relatively healthy meals in my husband and my bellies) including (but not limited to):

• Baking - this lasted one batch of soggy fairy cakes and probably cost me about £40 on 'essentials' that I will never use again such as a variety of measuring cups, cake cases, vanilla essence (not even sure what that is?!) amongst other things.
• Knitting - This ill fated hobby never made it past a single line and my (pretty purple) knitting needles are now gathering dust in a cupboard somewhere questioning their meagre existence.
• Weight loss - more specifically following the Slimming World plan at home without the group as I have spent such a fortune on it in the past and therefore know it inside out and don't need any further guidance. I haven't lost a single pound.
• Christmas shopping (in July) - this one was actually mostly successful thanks to a bargain hunting group on Facebook and I am very proud of the fact that I can no longer access the cupboard at the top of my stairs thanks to my 'finds' (that's what the bargain hunters call them, they're not simple purchases...Oh no!).
• Redecorating - this one kept me very busy for a while as we moved house and I redecorated every room in our new home. I knocked down walls, built others (obviously I didn't myself, but I have great vision and I was born to delegate), ripped up carpets and commissioned bespoke carpentry like my life depended on it. Unfortunately Pinterest's algorithms combined with my obvious fertility related web searches and redecorating pin boards, led to a slew of baby nursery 'suggested pins' which rather brought my inner Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen to a grinding halt. After losing heart, my box room - which was pegged as a 'reading room' but which I had secretly been planning to use as a late night breast feeding room for when the baby (eventually) comes - is now a storage room (the cupboard at the top of my stairs is full - see 'Christmas shopping') full of boxes of things I have forgotten that I own, along with my hopes and dreams. Packed away out of sight and out of mind.
• Blogging - still going so far, I'll let you be the judge of the success of said blog.
• Holidays/weekends away - this year alone has seen me travel to Hawaii, San Franisco, Pismo Beach, Santa Monica, Las Vegas (twice), Sligo, Dublin and London. In my defence a lot of that was for my honeymoon, but a lot of it wasn't. I have also compiled a 'wish list' for my husband that includes a variety of places and nice hotels for us to go should he take the notion to 'surprise' me.
• Going back to school - this doesn't actually start until this evening, but I am looking forward to it as it is something I have never done before - makeup. I have obviously worn makeup, but when I was learning about it we enjoyed purple glittery eye shadow and the rule was the more orange the foundation the better and less was not more when it came to sparkle. Nowadays 14 year olds can apply makeup like Hollywood MUAs, but the last time I tried to contour I looked like I had applied combat camouflage face paint. I do try to keep up with trends and am the proud owner of not one, but two highlighters, which I do actually use, however I fear that I may be using them completely incorrectly, much like the older generation use 'lol' in text messages thinking that it means 'lots of love.' Cringe.

Holidaying/weekends away are my favourite past time (does that really need explaining) as it is a 'hobby' that both my husband and I enjoy and indulge in. I try to schedule as much as I can in for the times when I know my period is due, it helps me to have something to look forward to. Each time I book something I think to myself 'Wouldn't it be lovely if we were away there and found out I was pregnant, what a fantastic story/memory that would be.' Obviously that hasn't happened yet. Weekends away visiting family/friends is also clouded with potential excuses, I make plans with people - without wanting to endorse Irish stereotypes, we invariably plan to have a social drink or two to catch up - and I can't help but think 'What if I am pregnant by then, what will I give as a reason for not drinking?' For the record if you actually find yourself in this dilemma you can feel free to pick from any of the following that I have mentally rehearsed:

• Start the week prior to said plans with a 'Might not make it' text or phone call and tell them how sick you are with a 'bug' you picked up at work. Turn up like a trooper as planned, with your ready made 'I literally cannot drink' excuse pegged. Morning sickness will also validate this excuse, but be sure to mention some unmentionables from the other end to throw any suspicion off pregnancy.
• Say nothing about not drinking and make a deal with the bar man to only serve you virgin cocktails. 
• Charity or a bet such as 'Dry January' or 'Sober October' or any variation thereof.
• Medication - antibiotics doesn't generally wash with my friends, but things like pain medicine is usually acceptable, especially now as we are getting a bit more aged and suffer from many more collective aches and pains than before.
• Two nights in a row, this is the perfect excuse if you have two social occasions back to back, at the first one, say you have made a deal with your partner that they drink tonight and you drive, you get to drink tomorrow night. The next night say it is the opposite way around, or if your partner is too green around the gills for this to pass, just say you are also feeling too ropey and simply can't cope with two nights in a row anymore, 'Ah to be young again!'

Any one of the above should see you through the first three months of social occasions without raising too much suspicion. Try to avoid the cliches like generally not feeling well, tired or on antibiotics, as these are time-old and if you want to keep your bundle of joy under wraps these are almost guaranteed to raise suspicion.

Obviously I haven't had to crack out any of those excuses to date, and invariably I get steaming drunk on these occasions; it holds off the questions about pregnancy from well meaning friends and lets face it it's good fuckin craic every now and again, although I really can't handle the hangovers anymore. 

For now we have enough breaks away to take us up to Christmas and come January I'm sure we'll be booking up again (if we have managed to resist until then!). As well as the list of approved weekend break locations I gave to my husband, we also have our unwritten bucket list that we discuss from time to time. One of them is New York for St Patricks day (again sorry for the Irish stereotyping, but it's true), which we excitedly bring up every now and again, although it always carries a pang of pain as it is accompanied by the - now well used - phrase 'If we're not pregnant by then.' It is lovely to have things to look forward to, but the jet-setting does have a bitter undertone, as we know that we can afford the time and money at the expense of the one thing in life that money can't buy and we can't book too far in advance, because we're always thinking 'What if by then?'.

As it stands, we have two weekends away this month and they both involve catch-ups with family and friends, which will be fabulous as always and excuse free (if not hangover free). Maybe next month will be the time for a festive themed reason for my sobriety 'I'm saving myself for Christmas, all the parties, sure you know yourself, have to have a break sometime or else you'd be in rehab' or maybe 'I'm on an emergency diet in preparation for the winter weight, sure aren't I still trying to lose it from last year?! It's bread and water for me for a while. Can't afford anything else anyway with all the Christmas presents I've to buy...sure you know yourself.' The 'sure you know yourself' goes a long way in convincing people you're telling the truth in Ireland.

If I get through Christmas fat and drunk then at least I'll get to New York for Paddys Day (even if I have to stay sober by then *fingers crossed*); as for the rest of it, que sera sera.