Patience is a Virtue

We all know how the old sayings go, 'Patience is a virtue' or 'Good things come to those who wait.' Well I can tell you now, the people who say them things are talking about waiting for something stupid like a kettle to boil (it won't if you watch it apparently), or a bus to come (don't worry two will be along at once...very shortly). They weren't, or aren't talking about waiting to conceive, or if they are, it should be added to the list of bullshit things people say to those struggling with infertility that should afford us infertiles the right to slap them across the face without consequence.

I have discovered over the past couple of years, that trying to conceive is a lot of waiting. Waiting to ovulate, waiting for lines to appear (or not) on tests, waiting for periods to come (unfortunately they're always right on time!), waiting for doctors appointments, waiting for test results, waiting, waiting, waiting. 

I currently find myself in yet another period of waiting, well two actually. The first is my 'danger zone' wait. My period is due imminently and although I have come to expect it so as not to get my hopes up...I just can't help myself. I have two apps on the go that each has a red circle around an upcoming date - the dates are a day apart, so I'm never sure which is right. I try to put it to the back of my mind, but I am constantly looking for signs 'My breasts don't hurt, maybe my period isn't coming' although this can flip if they are tender and I tell myself that it is also a sign of pregnancy - still hope see?! 'I don't feel very crampy, I usually do this close to my period.' then I'll get an overwhelming rush of pain and be crippled for a day or two, resigned to the sofa with a blanket and a hot water bottle. The painful irony is that most early signs of pregnancy are also symptoms of menstruation. This is my monthly waiting game, I can handle it, I know where I stand, in a day or two I'll be weepy and disappointed and grouchy, but I'll pick myself up and try again.

The other thing I am waiting for is a date, one for a laparoscopy, a hysteroscopy, a 'scraping' and a dye test. That'll be a fun day. Today I had my pre-op assessment. The nurse was very lovely and friendly and went through all of the questions after reading out my referral letter to get herself up to speed. It is a strange thing to hear about one's self in the third person 'she presents with primary infertility and complains of heavy painful periods.'  it read - or something along those lines; I'm better at verbatim when it involves inappropriate comedic film quotes 'Go fuck yourselves San Diego *whistles*' that is from the hilarious Anchorman and is a favourite of mine. I use it on an almost daily basis.

I got the letter for my pre-op assessment back in December, before Christmas, so today is the day I had previously been waiting for. Now today is here and the appointment is in the past, I am on the edge of my seat awaiting another appointment letter. It seems a strange thing to look forward to, especially when you consider what is involved - surgery (albeit keyhole) - and today did nothing to subdue its gravity. I answered questions, I had bloods taken, blood pressure checks, an EKG, all to make sure I don't drop dead on the table. As far as I know I passed all the tests - I have always been a bit of a geek at heart, so I dread the thought of coming in below par.

The nurse with the letter and the questions told me my consultant has listed me as an 'emergency'. She couldn't tell me any more than that about a possible date for me to be admitted, just that I was at the front of the queue (a random off topic pondering, but why does 'queue' have to be spelt that way, it is a waste of two letters if you ask me, but that is what the Oxford English Dictionary dictates and so that is what it is. If you knew how many hours of my day were made up of such random thoughts, it would make you shudder). She also asked if I could come in at short notice if a cancellation arose and I told her I could. I doubt they get many people so keen to go under the knife, maybe I am wrong, maybe everyone she meets is playing a waiting game of their own and - like me - is looking forward to some sort of resolution, or at the very least some action to work towards a resolution. 

So until my postman delivers something very special, I shall continue to wait.

I will leave you with this fun fact, apparently the dye they use in the test to look for blockages is blue and it can continue to keep coming out from 'down there' for up to three weeks, so I am basically looking forward to having a Smurf Fanny! The joys of infertility eh?!