I've previously written about how infertility is a LOT of waiting and perpetuating cycles. When you're going round in constant circles, it had be hard not to get dizzy and feel like you're spiralling, or trapped. Unfortunately, sometimes you are.
The main trapping for me is the financial trap. My work brings me a LOT of stress and you are always told to 'relax to conceive' however I have bills to pay and if we are to save up for private IVF treatment then we need two incomes. Furthermore, if I were to move jobs now and then got pregnant, I wouldn't be eligible for maternity pay and would end up being skint, which is not what I want life to be with a beautiful new baby. So I stay.
Sometimes I don't know if I am doing right for doing wrong or vice versa. I worry that the stress is hampering my chances of pregnancy, but isn't any job going to bring me stress? Also, if I were to just give up work, it would put so much pressure on my Husband that it could have a negative impact on him and his well being. So here we are. Caught in a trap. Our lives more or less on hold going round and round in the same circles of stress, money worries, hating work, being afraid to quit, looking at new jobs, being afraid to take the leap, staying in the 'safe zone', worrying we're making the wrong choices.
I know it's crazy, but sometimes I look at the guests on Jeremy Kyle and think 'You have the life'. Nothing to do all day but worry about who is messaging who on Facebook, afternoon drinking (that's my fav by the way, fells so much naughtier than going for a night out), or morning drinking if the notion takes them, rent paid for the most part and no expectation of anything more.
Society as a whole looks down on these people for not striving for something more, but what if all this striving is what is destroying us? I look at the guests on that show and I have never noted anyone on there struggling with infertility (I may be wrong, I don't actually get to watch it that often), in fact it is usually quite the opposite, they are all breeding like rabbits. Should we all quit our jobs and forget our new age gluten free, dairy free, yoga retreats, meditation...the list goes on!
I just wish that someone could give me the answers I want. What IS it that is stopping me from getting pregnant? Is it for the greater good, do I hold within my womb the potential for some mass murderer? Am I ever going to be a parent? Should I just quit my job because nothing is going to happen for me for years...if ever? Adulting is hard, I miss the days when I could just curl up on the the sofa and it wouldn't be long before a blanket was being gently placed over me and a loving arm wrapped around me from one of my parents who would tell me it would all be OK, or even tell me exactly what to do, no one seems to have the answers anymore and I know I certainly don't. Maybe as I type this, I'm winning the Euromillions and don't even realise it. Or maybe I'll go to sleep on Sunday night wondering what fresh hell awaits me on Monday.
Who the fuck knows?
The main trapping for me is the financial trap. My work brings me a LOT of stress and you are always told to 'relax to conceive' however I have bills to pay and if we are to save up for private IVF treatment then we need two incomes. Furthermore, if I were to move jobs now and then got pregnant, I wouldn't be eligible for maternity pay and would end up being skint, which is not what I want life to be with a beautiful new baby. So I stay.
Sometimes I don't know if I am doing right for doing wrong or vice versa. I worry that the stress is hampering my chances of pregnancy, but isn't any job going to bring me stress? Also, if I were to just give up work, it would put so much pressure on my Husband that it could have a negative impact on him and his well being. So here we are. Caught in a trap. Our lives more or less on hold going round and round in the same circles of stress, money worries, hating work, being afraid to quit, looking at new jobs, being afraid to take the leap, staying in the 'safe zone', worrying we're making the wrong choices.
I know it's crazy, but sometimes I look at the guests on Jeremy Kyle and think 'You have the life'. Nothing to do all day but worry about who is messaging who on Facebook, afternoon drinking (that's my fav by the way, fells so much naughtier than going for a night out), or morning drinking if the notion takes them, rent paid for the most part and no expectation of anything more.
Society as a whole looks down on these people for not striving for something more, but what if all this striving is what is destroying us? I look at the guests on that show and I have never noted anyone on there struggling with infertility (I may be wrong, I don't actually get to watch it that often), in fact it is usually quite the opposite, they are all breeding like rabbits. Should we all quit our jobs and forget our new age gluten free, dairy free, yoga retreats, meditation...the list goes on!
I just wish that someone could give me the answers I want. What IS it that is stopping me from getting pregnant? Is it for the greater good, do I hold within my womb the potential for some mass murderer? Am I ever going to be a parent? Should I just quit my job because nothing is going to happen for me for years...if ever? Adulting is hard, I miss the days when I could just curl up on the the sofa and it wouldn't be long before a blanket was being gently placed over me and a loving arm wrapped around me from one of my parents who would tell me it would all be OK, or even tell me exactly what to do, no one seems to have the answers anymore and I know I certainly don't. Maybe as I type this, I'm winning the Euromillions and don't even realise it. Or maybe I'll go to sleep on Sunday night wondering what fresh hell awaits me on Monday.
Who the fuck knows?
Fab blog. I think you and me have a lot in common. I ve had the same thoughts about my work. I m currently on sick leave.as the frequent cryin doesnt go down well in my job. Maybe u need a break x
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